For many the holidays are often seen as a time for joy, connection, and celebration.  However, for many of my clients the holidays can be a source of anxiety, stress and guilt.  Having spent much of the year avoiding certain family members, the holidays can be seen as an unavoidable mind field that serves to test their personal growth.  Having believed one’s personal growth has been mastered, spending an afternoon with just one questionable family member can feel like years of therapy and coaching have unraveled.  But take heart, this is not the case.

I was shocked by a recent interview with a psychologist giving the nation permission to not attend family get togethers if certain family members voted for President Elect Trump, as she reasoned his policies were going to take away their livelihoods and thus a reason to shun those family members.  Although I agree that there are times where avoiding certain family members is appropriate and maybe healthy, I am not so sure someone’s voting record is one of those reasons.    However, it ultimately is your choice.  I just encourage you to like the reasons for the decisions you make.

With that in mind, here are some strategies to help you through the challenges this season brings with toxic family members.

Establish Boundaries

Establishing and enforcing boundaries is key when dealing with toxic family members.  Decide in advance what you will tolerate and the actions you will take if the boundaries are violated.  Remember that boundaries are created out of love and a desire to preserve relationships and safety.  Also, boundaries are not requiring another person to do anything.  Boundaries are what you have decided you will do when someone takes an action you deem unacceptable.  For example, if your sister has a habit of bringing up politics at the dinner table that leads to an argument each year, perhaps this year you decide ahead of time that if she starts talking politics, you will exit the conversation.  Just walk away.  If she follows, then you can explain that you care about the relationship too much to engage in the conversation.  If she persists in wanting to draw you into her political drama, you may have to make a harder boundary such that you will leave the gathering entirely.  The point here is that you are in control of what YOU will do and no one else.  And you can give yourself permission to respond in the way you see fit.

Manage Expectations

Hallmark has really romanticized the holidays.  Expecting warmth, loving meaningful connections with all members of your family may be too idyllic.  If you know certain family members are prone to conflict, dysfunction or drama, you may be misleading yourself if you think they will behave any differently.  Allowing and accepting all members of the family to be their authentic selves, will allow you to better enjoy the celebrations. 

Make an Exit Strategy

Sometimes best intentions fail and things can become too heated or uncomfortable and an exit strategy might be warranted.  This may be retreating to another room, having a go to a family member or friend you can lean on for support, or possibly leaving the event early.  Knowing ahead of time what you will do can make being in the situation more bearable.  Remember, you do not need to give any excuse for why you are leaving or retreating to another room.  Others are not entitled to have a say in what you do or don’t do.

Practice Self Care

The holidays can bring lots of stress that can take a toll on your physical, mental and emotional well-being.  You must prioritize your needs before, during, and after family gatherings.  This could include deep breathing exercises, taking time for yourself, and seeking help from a therapist, life coach or a trusted friend.  Perhaps you might want to reward yourself after a particularly challenging family get together.  Make sure you eat well, get some exercise, and plenty of sleep. 

Limit Alcohol Consumption

While alcohol consumption can be an enjoyable part of holiday celebrations, it is important to know that for many families it exacerbates already existing tensions.  If you know that family gatherings tend to escalate at a certain point, it would be wise to limit your alcohol consumption in order to maintain control over your emotional response.

Stay Neutral in Arguments

Many toxic family members thrive on drama and conflict.  If you find yourself in an argument, try to remain neutral and avoid taking sides.  Staying calm will help defuse the situation and may prevent it from escalating.

Focus on the Positive

Although it might be challenging to find, the holidays can still offer moments of connection and joy.  Instead of the negative, decide to focus on the aspects of gathering together that you find enjoyable.  Maybe it is that rare chance to see a family member in person who lives far away.  Maybe it is enjoying delicious food that you would otherwise not partake in.  And maybe it is finding quiet moments to reflect on the blessings of life.  By shifting your focus away from toxic interactions, you will be creating a peaceful holiday for yourself.

Know When to Walk Away

Though it is not always easy, sometimes the healthiest choice is to simply walk away from a situation.  If the environment has grown too toxic, abusive, or intolerable, give yourself permission to leave early or skip the event all together.  Protecting your mental and emotional health is your top priority.

Prepare Yourself Ahead of Time

Decide ahead of the event how you want to show up.  Conducting a thorough Thought Download and choosing how you want to show up may be all you need to do to survive toxic family members.  You may also want to think about the upcoming event and plan for the ways that you think you might get tripped up and have a game plan for how you want to interact. 

Surviving the holidays with toxic family members requires a combination of preparation, self-awareness, and boundaries.  While you may not be able to control all the variables, you can decide who you want to be through it.  How you prepare your mind, set boundaries, practice self-care and allowing yourself to walk away will all minimize the negative impact the holidays may bring.